How we talk about kids matters. Here’s why.
I’ve been teaching since 2001, and I’ve been a parent for about ten years. Add to that the fact that I’ve been immersed in the social media driven world of educational blogging for close to five years. Each “hat” I wear means I come into contact with a wide variety of parents and educators, in a wide variety of ways.
99.99% of the time, this is a positive experience. I get to participate in many conversations about teaching and parenting, listening to different perspectives than my own. The parents and teachers I interact with on a weekly basis amaze me sometimes. I definitely feel blessed to hear and read the thoughts of people who are different than I am, but just as invested in teaching and raising kids.
Sometimes, though, I run across negative trends that I just cannot agree with. I’m usually all for agreeing to disagree on many topics. But there are some where I won’t bend. Over the past few weeks, I’ve noticed such a topic crop up multiple times. An article about “bad kids”, teachers calling students “bad”, etc. After the third time running across this, I am done. As an early childhood educator and a parent, I just don’t think this should be how we talk about kids.
To some, getting riled up about children being labeled “bad” might lead to eye-rolling. But I’m betting I’m not the only one who is irked by this. Even if you think I’m overreacting, I hope you’ll take a few moments to read what I have to say.
Because the bottom line is what we say about kids matters. Here’s why, from an educator’s standpoint:
How we talk about kids shapes how they think of themselves.
If a child hears you calling him “bad”, that one little word may stick with him for years. He may decide that, since he’s “bad” anyway, why should he worry about making kind and good choices. Why should he work hard to make positive changes when the adults around him have already set him in the “bad kid” pile?
He might continually berate himself for the little mistakes he makes throughout the day, rather than focusing on how those mistakes help him grow and learn. This could severely impact his self-esteem and growth for years to come.
Other teachers will make assumptions about children based on what we say.
Saying, “She’s just a bad kid.” in a staff meeting, venting online to other teachers, or in an off-hand comment to a friend can have repercussions beyond yourself.
If your comment was overheard by someone who’s likely to gossip, word could quickly spread about this “bad kid”.
If the comment is made to a teacher in the grade above yours, the child will already have an informal label. She could walk into her classroom the following year to be met with a teacher who’s already making assumptions about her.
Most of the educators I know try their hardest not to make these assumptions, but teachers are only human and it happens sometimes.
How we talk about kids shapes how WE think about them.
Refer to a child as “bad” often enough, and that’s how you will always think of her. That label, even if it’s only in your own head, will have a massive impact.
If a child is thought of as being beyond help, who will help her? Less effort will go into reaching out to her, into finding out what is causing her troubling behaviors, into loving and caring for her. It’s as if a label of “bad” means she’s unteachable and not worth the effort.
I don’t know about you, but I never ever want to think about a child like that. Not my own child, not my child’s peers, and not my students.
How we talk about kids affects how their peers see them.
Kids pick up on things. They are far more observant than they’re given credit for sometimes! If the words, “That kid is just a bad seed,” are uttered near a child, that child may very well hear the comment. And you can bet it will affect how he treats the person being spoken of.
He might go home and tell his parents about the “bad” kid in his class, which could lead to assumptions and gossip in the community. The “bad” child might get avoided, even though friendship could help. He might start calling the other child names, even if understanding and empathy would be more helpful to the child being labeled “bad”.
“Bad” kids receive less help.
As I mentioned above, the label can easily stick with a child for years and years. If a child is labeled as “naughty”, “bad”, or “beyond help” . . . it’s almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s as if he’s not worth the energy to help because there’s something innately wrong with him. Therefore, less energy is expended to help him. He’s labeled as a “behavior problem” without anyone looking into the root cause of those behavior concerns.
Every child, no matter how difficult he is to teach or work with, is worth it. Every “bad” behavior is a child’s cry for help. It’s our job, as adults (be it parents, teachers, or other caregivers) to puzzle out how to meet his needs.
Throwing a label of “bad” onto him and walking away is not what the child needs. He needs us, fighting for him and working tirelessly to make sure he gets the help he needs.
Will it be easy? Of course not.
Will it be worth it? Most definitely.
So please take a moment. Take a step back. Before you cry out, “She’s just a bad student! She’s just a bad kid!”, stop and reconsider your words. She is a person with feelings and needs. How we speak to her, and about her, matters. The bottom line is how we talk about kids matters.
Again, I feel the need to reiterate that I don’t see this happen often. The teachers I know personally strive not to label children negatively like this. However, even if it’s seen infrequently . . . it’s still happening. Having a conversation about it can help ensure it happens less and less.
Ideas for reframing how we talk about kids
Having conversations about hard topics with fellow educators can enact change. Changing up what we do can help, too. Here are some ideas for changing how we think and talk about “bad kids”:
- Stop and think, “How can I help this child?”
- Remember that troubling behaviors often indicate a need on the part of the child.
- Look at the kiddo and remember he’s a person too. He’s going to have bad days, just like you and I.
- Grab a colleague to help you make a change. An accountability buddy, if you will.
- Observe and make notes about the positive things you see the child do, as well as the positive things you know about the child.
- Make a point to say at least one kind comment to the child every day. Be the example.
- Remind yourself that a child’s behavior is one part of that child. His behavior is not who he is.
- Take a deep breath.
- Take care of yourself! Teaching and caring for children can take a lot out of a person. This, in turn, can lead to irritability and a loss of patience and understanding.
You might also like:
- Dear Parent, About THAT Kid from Miss Night’s Marbles
- Working Together to Create a Classroom Community from Fun-A-Day
- A Letter to the Teacher of “That Kid” from Lemon Lime Adventures
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I agree completely. I am a mother of 3 children. I have a 7yr old daughter, a 3yr old son, and a newborn daughter. Our family recently suffered the loss of my 4yr old due to a severe head injury and she passed away last Christmas. Our oldest took it the hardest because she was her baby sister and her best friend. After a few weeks she began showing, as my aunt describes it, as “bad behavior either because she wasn’t listening, she was disrespectful to her father or I, or she would be mean to her younger brother. My aunt decided after awhile of this “bad behavior” of hers she began to mock my daughter when she had a tantrum or would talk disrespectfuly to anyone and i was mortified not just at the fact that a 47 year old substitute and sunday school teacher would demoralize a child like that but even worse that she is one of our family members and is more than aware of our middle daughters’ passing because we were living with her when it happened. I finally had enough of it and basically chewed her head off while my daughter was at school and my son was napping. I couldn’t deal with it anymore and it broke my heart everytime i saw my daughter get even more upset than what she already was because someone who is supposed to help you out and be emotional stability in your time of need is basically just taunting and teasing your child in no different the behavior than a child themselves. I explained to her that, “This is her way of grieving. No i don’t agree with how she is handling it but she is a child and its the only way she can cope. Her whole world has been flipped upside down and she doesn’t understand that every single day she wakes up to play with her sister she has to almost relive the reality that its not possible because she is gone and that my 6yr old is going through the initial shock of it still. Leave the parenting to the parents and dont join in her chaos when she’s having a moment where she breaks down, lashes out, or gets “lippy”, help her to understand that no matter what you will always have us to talk to, to cry to, to help you through good and bad. Needless to say with family counciling services and a wonderful support team of friends and family we are putting our lives back together as best as we can even if we will never truely have that feeling of perfect the way it was, we’re reaching some level of normal. No child should be labeled as bad especially when as an adult you should never feel that you’ve merited the right to pass judgement on someone who is still learning the ropes in life. If anyone believes this to be otherwise, take a look around at how society is raising their children nowadays and if its learned through the behavior of others as well as what parents allow their children to watch and not just what we say about children but also how we speak to them plays a big role in their development. The way a parent or anyone else speaks to a child will shape them into believing this is appropriate and they will mimic it to a “T”. So yes, I feel that instead of “bad” as a term to be used for judgement, punishment or just as an example is not right. Possibly something along the lines of “Your attitude and behavior are hurting my feelings and i think that we should talk about whats bothering you if you feel comfortable. Afterwards i would be very thankful if you could apologize for hurting my feelings and maybe we can go for a walk to let you clear your negative thoughts and emotions it might make you feel better.” Yes its a mouthful and it might not be exactly what everyone will say however if you or someone else freaks out and just says you’re being bad its only going to encourage it down the road because the child will discover its the fastest way to get someone’s attention and sometimes that’s all they want is to be seen and heard. Children are people too who make mistakes and if we as the new budding group of adults and parents do not change how we behave first, how do we expect our children to do the same?
Oh, Samantha, I just want to reach through this computer screen and give you a huge hug. You sound like an absolutely amazing mother, and I hope you can see that. Adults’ words have a tremendous impact on children, in so many ways. I’m glad that you were able to take the time to explain things to your aunt. Kids’ behaviors change when dealing with grief and trauma, and they need to be supported through that. This can definitely be done while respecting them and guiding them to making better choices . . . all without demeaning them. Thank you so much for sharing your family’s experiences with me.
I agree with you 100%. I feel like I was very cognizant of this as a teacher, and never referred to kids as “bad”. But as a parent, in the heat of the moment when your child is pushing all your buttons, it is much harder to keep my cool! This is a good reminder to be aware of what I say to (and about) my own kids.
Yes, I completely agree with you!
I agree but …our system is broken when it is difficult to address those behavior problem kids that run wild in the school. Other kids are noticing there seems to be little consequences so why not join them. I am retiring after 33 years as a kindergarten teacher. Teaching is more difficult than ever.😔
I agree that there are many, many, many things about our school system that needs to be overhauled. But we, as teachers, can control how we interact with our students (and other students in our schools). We can create safe environments for them, be careful of how we speak about them, and make sure that we help them all get the help that they need. It’s hard, yes, but I still believe it’s very much worth it.
I enjoyed your article. I also am a very strong advocate for children who get labeled. Children need to be heard and know they can trust we care. I always start by acknowledging the feeling. Sure we all want the perfect classrooms. It’s just not reality. I tell teachers it’s our job to help ALL children. I find when I do have that one child that needs more attention it’s usually because the teacher wants a quick solution. It takes time to build relationships your right if children hear us talk negative they start to do the same. This makes my heart hurt.
Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts about this. Love, love, love your point about connection and building relationships with our students. It really does take time, and that time is so very much worth it.
I absolutely love your article. I completely agree with you! Sometimes it seems like the teachers I work with don’t even like their jobs because they sound so miserable. I challenge myself every day to go against the “norm” of talking about children in a negative way. Thanks for sharing!
I’m happy to hear this resonated with you, Aubrey. Yes, our words are so important to the children we work with!